Just a glimpse

Of December at Hillsdale. Mom very bravely and kindly let me take her amazing camera to school, and if you follow this link, you can see how weird we are. I mean, what life is like at a liberal arts college. :-)

Advent encouragement

::~::And, on another note, I've been reading this sermon by Pastor John Piper, Son of God, Son of Man, King of Israel. It's such a good sermon to read before Christmas, to remember Who Jesus is and why we celebrate His birth- something I have to purposefully do when I'm at school and studying for finals. I hope it encourages you as much as it has been encouraging me. ::~::

O Magnum Mysterium

I've been studying for my Music History final today, and am reviewing Tomas Luis de Victoria's masses and motets right now... this one is especially haunting and beautiful, and was written for Christmas. :-)

O Magnum Mysterium, et admirable
sacramentum, ut animalia
viderent Dominum natum,
iacentem in praesepio.
O beata Virgo,
cuius viscera meruerunt portare
Dominum Iesum Christum. Amen.

O great mystery and awesome
sacrament, that the animals
should see the Lord, newly born,
lying in the manger.
O blessed Virgin,
whose womb was worthy of bearing
the Lord Jesus Christ. Amen.

this is what happens...

during the last week and a half of school. After Messiah, dorm christmas party, and a last article written... four finals and one essay for Tracy to go! (Tracy Lee Simmons is one of my journalism professors. If you don't know who he is, go look up his book Climbing Parnassus, or read some National Review magazine archives :-) )
p.s. I have Mom's wonderful camera here, and I'll put up pictures as soon as I have a camera cord that fits it :)

I had a thought

Mom's post made me think about something my Old Testament professor said one day in class, when we were talking about Adam and Eve's sin in the garden. He said that all sin results from the thought that God is withholding something from us, that this is something we want because either God is not sufficient to satisfy our hearts at the moment or it's something He is not giving us.
Something that led to was very good meditation on the fact that God never withholds any good thing from us. He gives to us exactly what we need, and even things we don't need. Praise God from whom all blessings flow!

It's almost that time

It's almost time for Thanksgiving cooking, tree decorating, Christmas shopping, cookie baking... mmm, how delightful!
I am so happy to be going home for Thanksgiving break; I even get to leave on Saturday instead of Tuesday (which is when break officially starts.) Probably a very good thing, despite the fact that I have all my papers to finish writing before I leave. And program notes for the next orchestra concert. But all my papers are so fun... I get to write about Edgar Allen Poe, Lully and Louis XIV in French Baroque music, Henry Fielding's satiric mock-heroic novel Jonathan Wild, and then write notes for concert-goers on Tchaikovsky and J.S. Bach. Yay.
It has actually been a blessing in disguise that I've gotten sick. Because apparently I have pneumonia, but caught it very early on and got drugs. :-) So I feel fine, but am allowed to stay home and rest, giving me time to write. Thank you, Jesus!
And I'm listening to Ella while I do it. :-)

My living room on a Sunday

Finally, our photographer, Amy, came over! I don't think I've put up any pictures of our living room, so here they are. This is what we do on Sunday afternoons after brunch and before the homework crunch :-) See the white couch cover Natalie brought? And the wonderful red pillows? And the vintage-y old movie posters? I love living here.

Oh yes... this was before Sunday cleaning...

A Day In The City

Guess where I went today?! (photo courtesy of my PhotoBooth :))
We had a music history research trip to the UM music library in Ann Arbor, and after a day of research, we went into the city for two hours. What fun! You should have seen us! In Jerusalem Garden eating falafel... in the two-storyStarbucks drinking mochas on a leather couch and unwinding to Nora Jones... in the used bookstore, where I found What Katy Did Next for $2.50, in a row of delicious books I've loved since I was old enough to read what Dad was reading... in Borders reading the new Vogue!! Unfortunately, we didn't have a camera, so we have no pictures of our adventures in the big city. But let me tell you, civilization is exciting. :-)

In You

In You, by Shane & Shane

I sing for joy
In my remorse
A well within prosperity’s curse
That drowns the mighty oak of pride
But feeds the root of God inside.

In You
I find my rest
In You
I find my death
In You
I find my all and my emptiness
Somehow it all makes sense

In You I’m rich
When I’ve been made poor
Comfort found when I mourn
The prideful one You see from afar
Drawing near to low, broken hearts.

In You
I find my rest
In You
I find my death
In You
I find my all and my emptiness
But it all makes sense

*If you click on this link, you can use the player on the page to hear the song...*

In You Lyrics

It is that time...

And despite the apparent torture, I think I love it. I can't know right now because it hurts too much... oh, the sense of impending failure...
It's midterm time again, and though I've finished all but one for now, this one will be the hardest.
I've *heard* third-hand that Dr. Juroe, professor of my Restoration British Lit. class, is actually not a hard professor as far as tests and papers go; he just assigns a lot of reading. I only know about the reading part right now. Every week (it's a Monday evening class) he gives us hundreds of pages of dense Restoration-period philosophy, satire, political commentary, and literary criticism disguised as innocent English reading. We've read two plays and maybe 20 poems; beyond that, everything else is serious stuff.
The trick will be how to absorb, between now and Monday night, the ideas and key elements of each writer's different works and how they interact with each other and the period as whole.
I'm going to get back to that- with a short break to make a phone interview for a Collegian article- until the orchestra concert, but I just wanted to show you the snapshot of my Saturday =)
My class notes, textbook with margin writing, a brownie that Kiernan brought to our study session, and tea from home. And the sunny view of the gorgeous October day outside the classroom window. Mmm...



p.s. Kiernan made a study guide of her notes from class and her own reading. I love her.

Here Comes The Bride

How many weddings can one girl be in? Well, besides Jane Nichols from 27 Dresses... I don't think I'll be in 27 weddings in the next few years. But that's only because I don't have 27 close friends. ;)
Clara, of course, got engaged in June. We were expecting that one... actually, I used to write on both their Facebook walls and ask if they were engaged yet. It was very exciting when Jason proposed, because it had finally happened. She asked me a few weeks ago to be a bridesmaid, and of course I said yes, because we daydreamed together about her wedding the whole time we were roommates. :)
Then there was Leah, who is a very sweet friend who's dating Natalie's boyfriend's best friend. That wasn't too much of a surprise, because she and Andy are both seniors this year and have been dating since I've known them.
And then came Saturday. Natalie's boyfriend Dane and Mary Beth's boyfriend Jim came to visit; we hung out, played Settlers of Catan, and then they had some couple time... but then they left, promising to return soon, and we sat down to do homework.
So when Mary Beth dragged Natalie and I into my room and shut the door, we wondered if she could possibly be telling us what we thought. And we were right! Mary Beth is engaged!! To make things even more romantic than they already are around here, Jim proposed months earlier than he had planned to- as in, seven months earlier- and said he just loved her so much that he couldn't help asking her then and there. Don't you love it!?
Sunday afternoon Mary Beth told us that she had gone to meet our friend Catherine for church and she had come out of her room with a ring on! She and Tim are very cute together, and even Dr. Clark got sentimental about them in Music History.
Time to start planning weddings... :)

Catching up; or, mothers in office

It has been a busy couple of weeks, at school and in the journalism world. We have discussed the elections in every class; in fact, we've spent only a half an hour total on history in my History of American Journalism class. Covering the elections and learning to look at them from the point of view of a reporter has taken precedence.
Every day, each of us brings in two articles on current events to talk about. Usually at least one of them is on a presidential candidate, and most of them are from the New York Times, the Washington Post, or the Detroit News. Today, to keep things interesting, I found an article from the Jerusalem Post, by Shmuley Boteach. The title of the article is, "Should a new mother run for vice president?" Despite the title, the article is really about America's new version of poverty: spiritual poverty. Boteach asserts that our problems are not high gas prices, mortgage failures, or anything that can be solved with cash. Our real issues, though perhaps more subtle from the outside, are much more serious: drug and alcohol addictions, broken marriages, single motherhood. These cannot be fixed with money, but Boteach wonders if they will start to mend with a mother in office- or if that will only make things worse.
His argument is that the women and girls of America will be watching Palin to see if she manages her family and her campaign well; then, if she and McCain are elected, then the scrutiny will continue, and they will be watching to see if she manages her family and the country well. If she does, Boteach suggests, this will encourage women to watch over their households (or simply their own lives) with the same attention they give their careers and their social lives. If, on the other hand, Palin fails to balance family and her executive office, American women will conclude that they cannot succeed in both family and careers, and the issues at hand will continue to grow.
I thought his article was interesting even if it oversimplified the cures for America's moral degeneration. I would have liked to see some quotes or some sources cited, but to be fair, it was an opinion piece and his analysis was good. Perhaps having a good, balanced woman in office will not solve women's tendencies to disregard their moral state, but it certainly could not hurt. May God bless and keep our country in these elections.

Arthur

You shouldn't be too lost, as Arthur's story is all backstory still. He is an Irish prince, in a vague middle-ages- time, with a younger sister (Gwen) and brother (Galahad), his father still alive, his mother killed in battle. Their family has never fully recovered from losing her years ago, especially his bitter sister.

~Arthur~

I found something today, something very dear to me, that I thought I had lost perhaps forever. I found hope.
I don't quite know when I lost it, either; I only know when I realized it was gone. I was just sitting in the armory one afternoon last week when Gwen came in. She looked at me as I sat tracing the swirling designs on the blade of my sword, walked over too me, and said, "Arthur, what's wrong?"
"Hmm?" I stopped my fingers' idling and looked up at her. Her beautiful eyes, always so sober, seemed to see straight through me that afternoon. It is usually the other way around.
"Your eyes are so sad, Artos. They have been every time I've seen you recently."
I bristled indignantly, then was caught off guard by my own reaction. When had I become the angry one in my family? When had the steady calm of peace I had always felt been replaced with a sense of hopelessness? With a sigh, I stood and held my arms out for my little sister. She fled to me and I held her close, willing the turmoil away. "Oh, Gwen. This castle, this home, has not been the same since mother died, and I know it is not just her absence that has made it so... but I have tried for so long to restore joy that I have lost it myself."
"Artos." Gwen's eyes searched my face earnestly. "You have not failed. Look at Galahad; he benefits so from your guidance of him. And father would be even more burdened if you did not do so much for him. And I do not know what I would do without you."
Footsteps down the hall told us that someone was coming; I offered my little sister my arm. "Come, Gwen. Let's go for a ride; it's a nice day for it."
We left the armory and took a ride up into the low foothills skirting the mountains that I love to draw so much. Cantering the long distance down the tree-lined trails calmed me; we rode in thoughtful silence much of the way, the same memories of ten sad years winding through our meditations. But the quiet ride did us both good. Llyd nickered and sighed into my face as I groomed him, attempting to tell me everything would be alright in the end.
I gathered my sketchbook and pencils and found my usual spot, the hill with the most glorious view of the wild countryside for miles around. I couldn't draw the mountains that day, though. I found that I was still angry, still confused. I wasn't able to capture a single image on paper all this week; the turmoil in my soul was too great, and all I could do was think and pray. I kept asking why God has allowed the past ten years to be such hard ones for all our family, why our mother had to die, why my father is old before his time and my sister became a grave and vengeful woman at such a young age.
My only answer those days was the imposing majesty of the mountains. What can that tell me? I kept wondering, frustrated still. Suddenly, this morning, it made sense.
My favorite mountain peak to draw stands out among the rest because its long lines are exquisitely graceful and blanketed in sparkling snow most of the year, making it by far the most beautiful of all the peaks around. As I studied it for the hundredth time, I realized that it hadn't always been that way. There are taller peaks, more imposing; but their jagged crags are not as beautiful as the one I was looking at. It had been like many others before, but years of wind and storms have weathered its rough edges smooth and polished the perfect dips and valleys that catch so much sparkling snow. I imagined, as I looked at it with new eyes, that had that mountain been able to speak, it might have wondered why it of all the peaks had to weather the worst storms; but had it not, it would not be nearly so beautiful.
And as soon as I realized this, a verse came to me that I have not heard in a long time: "I lift my eyes up to the mountains, from whence cometh my help... my help cometh from the Lord, the maker of Heaven and earth." In this, I found my hope.

Arthur

A Little Writing

One of my best friends and I started writing an ongoing story together in 8th grade; convinced that we'd be too old for such silly stuff in college, we planned to have all the ends tied up by our senior year of high school. To our surprise we found that there was more to writing stories than happy endings; new appreciation for the depth and complexity of human character have kept us writing these seven years.
My friend is frustrated with life in general right now, and not sure what she's doing about school or moving out or anything like that right now; we don't write often anymore, but one particular newish character is a favorite of mine and seems to be very wise. :) So I sat down the other day and wrote from him, wanting to give her hope that life will not continue to be hard and frustrating forever. I'm posting that now (as a separate post, since it's pretty long; it isn't much, but perhaps it will remind you Who our hope comes from. :-)

Been So Busy...

Isn't Mason GORGEOUS? Heehee, sorry, I can't help it. He's just as beautiful to ride as he is to look at. Quite a workout, because he's so big and moves with such big strides; he needs to be picked up and encouraged to carry himself like the warmblood he is. But when he does, he just floats.

Besides riding, which I confess I haven't done as much as I could wish, I've been busy helping plan for this year at school. I can't believe I leave on Friday; it's been a long and wonderful summer of spending time with my family, and planning for this year! There are so many new ministries we're beginning at school, and some that I am just joining. Here is what I'll be doing:

Bible Studies- I'm the coordinator for the small groups in my dorm, which mostly means that I know and pray for the needs of the four small groups that we have so far. I'm there to keep them from burning out while they pour into their groups and keep themselves learning while they teach. MB and Natalie will also be leading a group, which I'm sort of co-leading with them- I know they will do a wonderful job, but they think they need my help, so I'm their cheerleader :)

The Furnace- An discipleship group that I love. There are just ten or so of us; we meet on weekends for accountability, Wednesday nights for Bible Study at Pastor Steve's house, Thursdays once a month for HCF, and Friday mornings for prayer before class.

Pray/Fast- A new ministry that I am so excited about! We (anyone on campus who wants to) will be fasting one day a week, spending that day praying and worshipping and reading the Word. We'll meet together to do this instead of going to meals, and of course be praying on our own throughout the day. Money from the meals not bought will go to a fund for community work, so we can be a self-funded group and help people in Hillsdale who need things like food, money for certain needs, etc. I'm really excited about starting this and I know it will be challenging. :)

Missions Trip to Amsterdam!! This one deserves a special post, especially since I still have homework to do.... :P I'll tell you all about it soon. :-)

Home :)

Mmm, my beautiful Washington. :-) I just love this view- who gets to say this is the view from their driveway? :-)

"Selections From Sense and Sensibility"

About to go to sleep, just finishing up some chamomile & green tea with honey & lemon, so I decided to share a glimpse of today :-)



Got some music the other day, after watching Sense & Sensibility too many times to count.... here it is, the two songs that Marianne sings. I shall try singing Weep You No More Sad Fountains and see if Colonel Brandon comes in and falls in love with me, too... ;)
Haha, just kidding. But it's so romantic. And I love hearing Mom play the piano. And, I promised I would practice voice this summer, and these two songs (the other is The Dreame; both are set by Patrick Doyle) will be my projects.

And More Dan

"But perhaps the greatest surprise of all was when Hilda turned to see her engineer, whom, it will be remembered, she had seen but once at close range (except a distant fleeting view of his head and shoulders in the cab of his engine) and whom she remembered always in blue jean overalls.
"He was dressed now in the full uniform of an officer of the United States Army; and fine and handsome did he look as he stood ready to salute her, pausing to admire his little friend, whom he had not known was so beautiful until his mother had put on the finishing touches of suitable garments."

Meet Dan Stevens

I have just read three Grace Livingston Hill books that Mom bought me :-) Little old paperbacks with yellow pages that smell like an old book, and romantic covers.
The last one I read, The Red Signal, has my current favorite hero, but they were all three quite wonderful so it's probably because I finished it last. Dan Stevens is a freight train engineer, introduced when he saves the main character, Hilda Lessing, from being run over by a train- two expresses ran through the station as she was crossing to a farther train, and Dan ran out and held her safe between the two scary trains :-) I'll have to introduce him in snatches:

Dan introduced...

"...She only saw his face bending solicitously over her, his pleasant eyes so brown and merry, and heard his cheery voice: 'Say, Kid, that was a close call!' ... The young man looked at his watch. He had nice hair and a handsome head. She liked the way the dark curl fell over his white forehead, and the strength of the bronzed neck above the jumper. "You've plenty of time. Number Ten isn't due for fifteen minutes. Come over to the restaurant and have a cup of coffee. That'll put some pep into you." He seized the suitcase and led the way. She noticed that he did everything as if her were a gentleman. She liked the way he pulled out the chair for her and seated her at the table."

Thinking of Dan...

"Meantime, it was pleasant to think of that handsome young man and the courteous way in which he had treated her. He reminded her of a picture she had once seen of a prince. True, he was not dressed in princely robes, but she was American enough to recognize a prince in spite of his attire."

The last is delicious, and instead of making this post way too long, I'm going to give it its own post...

Fictional Favorites

I've decided I'm going to have to start a weekly post of a favorite fictional character- introduction descriptions, and paragraphs that illuminate their personality and show why I love them so much. I just have so many fictional favorites. :-) So, today I begin with Stephen Lawhead's Robin Hood. This Robin Hood legend is set in Wales at the time of the Norman conquest, and Robin Hood is a Welsh lord in exile- he had been a prince until his father was killed, but he never got a chance to be king in his own right because a Norman lord took over his "cantref," his little kingdom. His name is Bran, the Welsh for king is "Rhi", and the Welsh "Hud" means enchanter or magician, which Bran is called by superstitious locals because of his habit of showing up and scaring away callous Normans in a eery Raven cloak and hood with his bow. So, here he is:

"Presently, Siarles returned from the house accompanied by a young man, tall and slender as a rod, but with a fair span of shoulders and good strong arms. He wore a simple tunic of dark cloth, trousers of the same stuff, and long black riding boots. His hair was so black the sun glinted blue in his wayward locks. A cruel scar puckered the skin on the left side of his face, lifting his lip in what first appeared to be a haughty sneer- an impression only, belied by the ready wit that glinted from eyes as black as the bottom of a well on a moonless night. There was no doubt he was their leader, Bran."

Starbucks madness

I am visiting my [crazy :-) ] friend Carlene this weekend, and since my visit was very last minute, she's worked every day. But she works at Starbucks and opens alot, so I've been getting up several hours after her and going to Starbucks to hang out for the last few hours of her shift. I brought Stephen Lawhead's newest book, Scarlet, with me, and I finished it today. So good! It's the second in a series about Robin Hood, set in Wales at the time of the Norman invasion, in the late 12th century. Scarlet is, naturally, told from Will Scarlet's perspective. It was the perfect book to read with my coffee in the mornings. :-) I also talked to a few of the people who work there with Carlene. Like R, her manager, who is crazy and told her we'd better do "something fun" since she wasn't working this afternoon, then give a full report of how much fun we had. Or else. And V, who "loves semicolons" and has awesome bouncy hair. And K, who told R and Carlene he wanted my phone number. Rule #1: if you don't want someone to know something, don't tell R. R promptly told me what K said.
And RY, who obediently wrote " X amazing" on my cup when Carlene told him to put make my coffee extra amazing. And there were many more...
Since I spent so much time at Starbucks this week, let me give you some drink advice :-) Try....

A grande Starbucks Doubleshot with four shots instead of three. With X Amazing.
A black tea lemonade with apple juice instead of lemonade (don't ask) and a few pumps of raspberry.
Zen Tazo tea. Perfect for reading.
A black and white mocha (half white, half regular chocolate, which balances the two, and a pump of vanilla.)

Oh yes, and smile at your barista! :-)

Waiting on God

I have been reading Waiting on God by Andrew Murray and enjoying it so much. There is so much wisdom and encouragement and conviction in what Murray says. Here are a few favorite parts of what I have read so far. :-)

"It is specially at the time of prayer that we ought to set ourselves to cultivate this spirit [of waiting on God].
Before you pray, bow quietly before God, just to remember and realize who He is, how certainly He can and will help. Just be still before Him, and allow His Holy Spirit to waken and stir up in your soul the childlike disposition of absolute dependance and confident expectation. Wait upon God as a living Being, as the Living God, who notices you, and is just longing to fill you with His salvation. Wait on God till you know you have met Him; prayer will then become so different."

"He knows so well that we are unable to do what is really holy and heavenly, except as He works in us, that He means his very demands to become promises of what He will do, in watching over and leading us all the day."

"If we but saw our God in His love, if we believed that He waits to be gracious, that He waits to be our life and to work all in us- how this waiting on God would become our highest joy, the natural and spontaneous response of our hearts to His great love and glory!"

Simple Woman's Daybook

I am still figuring out the tech part of the linking and everything that go with this Daybook... and I posted it on Tuesday even though I wrote it on a Monday... oops :P But I'll get it right soon ;)

FOR TODAY...

Outside My Window... A courtyard with stones and ivy that I've seen for two years and will trade next fall semester for the arboretum :-)

I am thinking... about C.S. Lewis and my test on that class; about reading The Problem of Pain this summer; about being done and seeing people :-)

I am thankful for... People to study with and later to do nothing with

From the kitchen... A random assortment of end-of-the-year dorm food... a quesadilla Chris made, chicken noodle soup, macaroni and cheese, an apple, and popcorn...

I am wearing... A blue skirt from Israel and a black t-shirt over a white cami, flip flops, hair down, and earrings Mom sent :-)

I am creating... A mental layout of my suite for next year and a list of what we still need, a plan for coordinating the Suites small groups, Bible studies, and discipleship groups, and a list of potential leaders I still need.

I am going... to take a test at one and be DONE with my sophomore year after that!

I am reading... Notes on many C.S. Lewis books, The Once And Future King, and my Bible

I am hoping... to spend a great deal of time in prayer & reading & waiting on God very soon.

I am hearing... People talking as they study or (sleepily ;)) celebrate the end of the school year.

Around the house... Half-packed boxes, unwanted clothes, old notebooks and out-of print textbooks, girls sitting in flip-flops happy to have finished their first year of school

One of my favorite things... Books- the smell of them. And horses :-) The smell of them, and the feel of them, and the sound of them eating.

A Few Plans For The Rest Of The Week... Watch movies on our list :-) Spend time with Clara, go visit the boys, go to the Orchestra concert and jazz afterglow, say goodbye after graduation, go to Chicago :-)

Finals

A very musical few days

Finals for musicians means a lot of concerts and recitals. These past few weeks have been full of junior and senior recitals, and now it's studio recital time. On Friday our Big Band played; they are really good! I heard a little of their concert- so I could hear Dane's trombone solo- and I was surprised at how good they sounded.
Saturday was Centralhallapalooza- for some reason that's what our student activities board decided to name a campus party under a big tent with five favorite school bands ;) I stayed for Nickel Creek (Dunn Right), because they are amazing. Megan Dunn, who lives in Olds, plays the fiddle and sings; Jason Custer plays the guitar; and Jeff Meyers plays the mandolin and sings. They, of course, do Nickel Creek covers- and they are darn good at them too. Sweet Afton has to be my favorite; maybe that's because it was written and set to music by Robert Burns? :) And sung by either Sean Watkins (NC) or Jeff if it's NC Dunn Right.
Sunday was our choir concert, and my favorite part was hearing the chamber choir sing. They have the purest sound and sing the most challenging music- sometimes I hold my breath while they're singing. They sang a French song, a Gaelic song, a British folk song, and a hymn on Sunday, and they were all beautiful.
Sunday night was Natalie's violin studio recital. She played a Paganini piece and did a great job. :)
Today was my Armenian/Gypsy/Jewish friend Ben's violin recital. Obviously, with such a heritage, he is pretty great at playing, especially anything that sounds eastern european.
Tomorrow is my voice recital... aaah! I'm singing Danza, Danza, Fancuila Gentile by Franceso Durante- it's a little Italian arietta from a 17th century opera. It's fun and it practically sings itself, but I'm still nervous! I'm going to practice with Natalie now..

Purcell

Today was our choir concert, and I loved this song we sang with a combined choir, Henry Purcell's Hear My Prayer O Lord. I had to find a video on YouTube, since nobody's allowed to record our concerts, but I thought you might enjoy the amazing harmonic structure you can get with two choirs. :-) Our chamber choir stood along the sides of the church and the big choir stood in front when we did this today, and it was beautiful.

Evening worship

Beauty Of Your Peace

Your voice has stilled the raging storms
The wind and waves bow down before
Your still small voice brings hope to all
Who wait on You, we'll wait for You
To lead us to the place where You'll restore our souls
And all our earthly strivings come to cease

Take from our souls the strain and stress
And let our ordered lives confess
The beauty of Your peace
The beauty of Your peace

Bright skies will soon be overhead
We'll enter in to Heaven's rest
There'll be no death, there'll be no pain
The things of old will pass away
You'll lead us to the place where You'll restore our souls
And all our earthly strivings come to cease

~Tim Hughes

Some things I want ALL you beautiful people to remember today~

"... at that time you were without Christ, being aliens from the commonwealth of Israel and strangers from the covenant of promise, having no hope and without God in the world. But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ. For He Himself is our peace..." (Ephesians 2:11-13)

"And I will have mercy on her who had not obtained mercy, and I will say to those who were not my people, 'You are my people!' And they shall say, 'You are my God!'" ~Hosea 2:23

"You shall be called a new name,
which the mouth of the Lord shall name.
You shall also be a crown of glory
in the hand of the Lord,
and a royal diadem
in the hand of your God.
You shall no longer be termed Forsaken,
Nor shall your land anymore be called Desolate;
But you shall be called [My Delight Is In Her] and
your land [Married].
For... as the bridegroom rejoices over the
bride,
So shall your God rejoice over you." ~Isaiah 62:2-5

"But of Him you are in Christ Jesus, who became for us wisdom from God- and righteousness and sanctification and redemption." ~1 Corinthians 1:30

I love you so much :-)

I suppose that last post wants some explaining, doesn't it? I'm sorry it was so cryptic. I was in the middle of a lot of thinking and a lot of deciding what exactly to think.
I suggested last week that Paul and I hang out sometime before we graduate- an audacious move but not too forward considering that was the way we ended- "friends". Since then we haven't talked once for longer than five minutes, in public, about school and spring break, so it's been a bit different than I think he intended when he asked several times over if we could be friends; that's fine and understandable and healthy for us both, but it's time to talk a little. Be friends.
He thought maybe this past weekend would have been a good time to hang out. As it turns out, he remember that he's graduating in two weeks and has work to do... ha. Boys. So this weekend didn't work out. But suddenly the idea of seeing him, expecting him to ask what I've been thinking, and knowing I could say many things led to great confusion. Up until this week, I've been fairly content to trust that our relationship is over as far as I know, and I didn't let myself think beyond that except to know that if the Lord wants that to change, He can certainly make it happen. There is nothing in mine and Paul's relationship except timing that would prevent that.
But that is what led to all of the confusion this week. What if I shared the thoughts I've had on marriage the past three months, my thoughts on long (and long-distance) courting relationships, and even (*gasp*, I know:) shared my feelings? Let him know, "I know this isn't the time you want to be in a relationship, but you should know that I love you, and I'm still supporting you in your heart for ministry." Then what? Oh dear. I didn't know- can I say that? Is it wrong to say so now? It is being discontent with God's will for my life right now? Is it what I'm supposed to do, perhaps? I turned over all the possibilities in my head as I prayed and talked and thought...
After a good talk with my Daddy :), Mom, my girls, even my roommate (she was very encouraging and wise!) and lots of prayer, I was reminded that no matter what I do or say (or don't), I must do it depending on God to give me words and to work through those words. If I speak, God will work through what I say, for whatever purpose He desires; and if I feel I shouldn't, He will give me the trust and contentment I need to be still. No matter what the case is, He will still be in control; even if I blurt out things I shouldn't, or stay silent when Paul's secretly wishing I would fight against him for him, God's will is not changed. I am finally learning just now, I think, to find real contentment in my situation.
It means hoping, I've discovered- asking God for what I honestly want, and being content to have my desires changed to His. It's been a very good several days since all this has settled down. And point of interest? Paul told me yesterday that he's going to be going straight to school in the fall (he was going to work for a year or two, to save money for school) in Indiana (he was going to go to a seminary in California). [Dyer, Indiana is, by the way, three hours from here.] He seems a little baffled by the choice still; I think God is directing him there, because it's so different from what he'd planned. I'm excited for him to be at a good school, surrounded by godly men, having to trust God for the money he will need. He lives his life according to what he thinks is the best choice, the most logical, the most likely to succeed; now he will have to trust that God knows what is next. And so will I. There has been a lot of that in my life and in our family lately, but God is always working for the best.

“What are you saying about me?” I know I heard my name, even though I’ve already said hello and am walking past. It’s been a while since I heard it from him.
“Oh… I said, you have fancy bag for that computer.” His eyes almost light up again for a moment.
I roll my eyes, laughingly. “Yes?”
“You should get a backpack. They’re so much better. That- that’s just ridiculous.”
I have no idea why he’s discussing my computer’s little case with G-off, any more than I know why he seems most like himself when he wears my favorite sweatshirt. I shrug. “You’re just jealous.”
He shrugs too, still smiling, and says he likes his backpack, and I walk away to work at a small table where I can see the sun.

“You still love him, don’t you?” she asks later when I tell her the silly story.
I guess I’m not thinking about anything but that word, “love”; a smile creeps up on me and I can only shake my head to show my futility. “Yes; yes, darn it, I do.”
She looks benevolent. “I thought so last week, but yesterday I was pretty sure. And I was reassuring myself that you were getting over him…”

I walk out to wash dishes for tea, thinking I ought to feel at least as hopeless about loving someone who is gone as she does; but all I can think is that I did love him, and I need to do that the right way now. I realized I am not afraid to have loved and to love without receiving love back because I simply can’t be afraid of not receiving back a love that is not my own. The love of Christ compels me- I want to see him joyful, delighting in God, confidently responding to His call; that is the sort of love I cannot let go of. Still, I don’t love him well, I think. I am selfish, and I’d rather get him to smile at me than pray for him.
I pick up to the chapter on France’s attempt at “normalcy” in the inter-war period, but I’d much rather be at the music building. My Desire by Jeremy Camp comes on; it makes me put down my book and close my eyes. Sometimes my fingers think they really knew how to play the piano once, and my brain has forgotten how; I get the sudden urge to sit down and play. I listen to this song instead, simple as it is, because it’s why I want to play. And I know that the way I can still love is in found in Jesus. Jesus Christ invites me to a life of love, of commitment to Him before everything and everyone else, which means all the other loves are secondary. Only He matters, really; truly. Loving Him matters, and serving Him matters. Love is the outpouring of that, what it looks like, what it should be, because He first loved us. I need to allow Him to take my hopelessness, my rags, and delight in the garment of praise He gives me.

Sweetness

"Truly my soul silently waits for God;
From Him comes my salvation.
He only is my rock and my salvation;
He is my defense;
I shall not be greatly moved.
My soul, wait silently for God alone,
For my expectation is from Him.
He inly is my rock and my salvation;
He is my defense;
I shall not be moved.
In God is my salvation and my glory,
The rock of my strength,
And my refuge, is in God."
~Psalm 62:1-2, 5-7


I know that Mom quoted this on her blog today too, but I couldn't help copying, because it is one my most favorite Psalms. I have read it so much this semester... I have learned how truly sweet and comforting and wonderful our God's word is to my soul.
I love this one especially, and I love how it says in verse two, "I shall not be greatly moved..." to "I shall not be moved" in verse 6. First of all, David knows that being a little moved is not bad for him- it is something God will always use for the best. (Remember that, is it not for "fine" or "pretty good" that God works, not for an acceptable alternative, but for the best!) And then he moves from that acknowledgement to saying he shall not be moved at all. I think that is not because David has changed his mind and thinks God will not let him be moved at all after all, and it is not just for poetic emphasis that he changes that phrase so subtly, but because he has learned that nothing that can happen to him will ever truly move him. Nothing will take away his peace, joy, and delight in God, even if all else he delights in is gone. Nothing will move David from the foot of God's throne. I love that confidence, that peace, and that desperation to never leave God.

I know this will make my blog quite long, but I wanted to put up this excerpt from the song Caroline that I think I put up a while ago:

Yesterday is gone and
Everything that made you cry has fallen to the ground
I'm here to bring you home
I will always take you back
You haven't let me down

I know you want to run away
I know that you can't see tomorrow

Caroline
Let me wipe away your tears, and give you life
Make you feel beautiful again
Caroline
Don't throw it all away
I'm here tonight, to take away your pain

I think the other thing that threatens to move us is the thought of failing God, or thinking we have already failed Him, but look, we haven't let Him down. He knows we fail; but He is compassionate and is never by let down by our efforts to glorify Him. He is glorified in our trying, and in our delight in Him, not (just) by our successes. Let us never, ever stop delighting in Him- and He will be glorified.

A Story in Pictures

There once was a president of a college who put on a ball. All of the girls were very excited, and even got boys to come with them. Saturday evening arrived, and it was time to get ready for the ball.

First, we had to do hair...

Then, we put on dresses and did makeup...

My favorite girls were ready :-)

We went to the ball, and did some dancing....

Okay, so that wasn't how we danced the whole time :-) Then we took pictures!

You Are A Storm

Really, you have to go listen to this boy! Someday someone will sing this to me... how beautiful is this song? This is the way that anyone who has ever read Captivating would sing to his love, I think. :)

darkness fighting thunder lightning
crashing down from above
sometimes frightening always exciting
it’s the storm that i love

i am leading but still needing
you if i’ll ever grow
sun is hiding so inspiring
you keep me on my toes

you are a storm filled with deep mystery
and while others may run it’s inviting to me
darlin i’ll brave the winds if you promise the same
cause you are a storm…but i love the rain

some take cover i’ll discover
every drop’s not the same
always finding so enlightening
that’s why i love the rain

girl you’re the reason my knees are now weak
i’m discovering you from the edge of my seat
yeah my life would be easy with all sunny days
i know it sounds crazy but bring on the rain

Hold Me

I just discovered Jonny Diaz today, and heard this song on his website (http://www.jonnydiaz.com/). It's a beautiful song. :)

When i'm walking with you

what is still unknown
has caused my fear to grow
fear of thoughts unseen

but with your embrace
i know i can face
all that's facing me

clouds assume command
sky unrolls it's wrath
firmly still i stand
there's no turning back

chorus:
i need you to hold me
when the storms begin to rage
cause you know me
and you know that i'm afraid
though i'd rather go 'round
but i'm following now so i'll trust
that we'll make it through
just help me remember i'm never alone
when i'm walking with you

chorus:
i need you to hold me
when the storms begin to rage
cause you know me
and you know that i'm afraid
though i'd rather go 'round
but i'm following now so i'll trust
that we'll make it through
just help me remember i'm never alone
when i'm walking with you

walking with you

Home

Another summer day
Is come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home
Mmmmmmmm

Maybe surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh I miss you, you know

And I’ve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
“I’m fine baby, how are you?”
Well I would send them but I know that it’s just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that

Another aerorplane
Another sunny place
I’m lucky I know
But I wanna go home
Mmmm, I’ve got to go home

Let me go home
I’m just too far from where you are
I wanna come home

And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
But this was not your dream
But you always believe in me

Another winter day has come
And gone away
And even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home

And I’m surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel alone
Oh, let go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

Let me go home
I’ve had my run
Baby, I’m done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It will all right
I’ll be home tonight
I’m coming back home

To tell the truth, I want to go "home" in many ways today. Spring break is in two weeks, and I am SO excited about that- the past month and a half have been so upside-down that it feels sort of inconceivable (yes, I do know what that word means :)) that I get to go home.
But today, home also feels like going back... turning the clock back about three months. Back to when I was dreamily writing my English papers, waiting for a certain cute boy to get out of class... a boy I knew would be happy to see me, happy planning to come back for me when seminary was finally over. Now I write my papers in the snack bar, where I perhaps ought not to be since I know he'll be there eventually, with some silly greeting for me, or perhaps just a smile if nobody else is watching. A boy I know can't even carry on a normal conversation with me if we're not the only ones at the table, but if we are, still wants to know how my weekend was and if I had fun at the president's ball. A boy who has never been so consumed by his homework and so unfocused on the rest of his life. I wish I could make things stop spinning around for him, and make myself less wistful. Isn't it enough to know that God has something else planned for us both, and look forward excitedly to what that is? I know it is something good. I know it's best for me and best for Paul. So why am I so discontent today? I want to mend the hurt instead of waiting for my Lord to heal it.
God is good; and He is enough. I have discovered that the more time I spend in prayer and reading my Bible, the more I love it, and the more time I want to spend. He is really most essential, and more than that, He alone is enough. Home is in His presence, resting in the peace and the joy that He gives me, rejoicing in His love. May I not forget it again so soon.

Acres of Hope

I absolutely love the book of Hosea, and I've read chapter two alot lately; so it made me excited when I heard this song today for the first time in a long time :-) It is so me.

ACRES OF HOPE

by Shane Barnard and Robbie Seay


He will allure her
He will pursue her
And call her out
To wilderness with flowers in His hand
She is responding
Beat up and hurting
Deserving death
But offerings of life are found instead

She will sing
She will sing
Oh, to You
She will sing as in the days of youth
As You lead her away
To valleys low
To acres of hope
Acres of hope

Here in the valley
Walk close beside me
Don’t look back
For love is growing vineyards up ahead
You have called me master
And though you’re in the dark here
Call me friend
And call me lover and marry me for good

She will sing
She will sing
Oh, to You
She will sing as in the days of youth
As You lead her away
To valleys low
To acres of hope
Acres of hope

How the story ends is
Love and tenderness in Him
Not safe, but worth it
So the valley’s up ahead
Or the ones we live
We’ll sing together
We’ll sing together

We will sing
We will sing
Oh, to You
We will sing as in the days of youth
As You lead us away
To valleys low
To acres of hope
Acres of hope


"Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope. There she will sing as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up out of Egypt. ‘In that day,’ declares the LORD,’you will call me 'my husband'; you will no longer call me 'my master. (Hosea 2:14-16)

Hanging On

God, I'm in this place again
Trying so hard not to fall
But everything keeps coming down with the rain
And I try so hard, I forget to call

Everybody's looking around and wants to be found
And I'm just hanging on
I give you all that I am

I come to you with all that I am
I bring to you all that I am
And all I have is nothing
And I keep on trying
All all I want is you

Everybody's looking around and wants to be found
And I'm just hanging on
I give you all that I am

And I just sit here in the midst of you
I come to you, I come with all that I am

~Everyday Sunday

Persistent Joy

The back room of the library, an eccentric room with red chairs and a yellow and gray area rug, big windows alongside a stone fireplace, and "special collections" of books that nobody ever looks at, is my favorite room of the library. It is where I have been spending every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday morning from 10-11 since the semester started, and it already brings back (recent) memories. The first week was the week that Paul and I ended our relationship; and, surprisingly, the overwhelming memory that room brings back is joy. Not a happy, carefree joy, but a clinging, trusting, hopeful joy. What can I even call it to convey the depth and need of that joy? A necessary joy, a lifesaving joy, a God-given joy. I was thinking about that, and about how I've struggled with my attitude about having to let go of Paul since then, alot this morning. The only thing that gives me real joy about that is what I know about God- here's what I wrote this morning, in that back room: "I am still struggling with having to let go of Paul, but I am convinced of the perfect goodness of Your plan. That is what comforts me- not that it is "the best thing to do"; honor falls hallow on my ears when tears want to run down my face. That this is all good, in a true sense; that it is all according to your perfect plan, is what I can cling to and submit to. I can willingly surrender to a plan that I know you have made in your sovereignty for my good and your glory."
I wish I would actually remember that more. ;) I have been thinking too much lately about how weird it is to see him around school every day now and be one of the few girls in the snack bar *not* around him... jk. He usually only gets surrounded by a few girls at a time... what can I say? People love him. Girls and guys both. But it's gotten easier; and God is so good. If I can just hold on to that necessary joy, I will remember all the good that came of our relationship and all the good that is coming out of ending it. But I am still learning. Time to spend more time in the library, more time in prayer... more time with my Savior.
"You shall no longer be termed Forsaken, but you shall be called My Delight Is In Her... " ~ Isaiah 62

I love this song. It doesn't all apply to me right now- but it's still a wonderful song. I heard it the other day for the first time in a long time, and it reminds me that no matter how I feel, I can always run to God for comfort. It actually is the perfect song for one of my girls here right now- I am praying she will remember it :-)


Caroline
Seventh Day Slumber

Where do I began?
There's so much I want to say to make it easier
Tomorrow's on its way
Do you beileve I want to take your painful memories?

I know you want to run away
I know that you can't see tomorrow

Caroline
Let me wipe away your tears, and give you life
Make you feel beautiful again
Caroline
Don't throw it all away
I'm here tonight, to take away your pain

Yesterday is gone and
Everything that made you cry has fallen to the ground
I'm here to bring you home
I will always take you back
You haven't let me down

I know you want to run away
I know that you can't see tomorrow

Caroline
Let me wipe away your tears, and give you life
Make you feel beautiful again
Caroline
Don't throw it all away
I'm here tonight, to take away your pain

And when you're feeling all alone and you can't go on
Remember I am here
And when you think you've gone too far
I'll meet you where you are
My arms are open wide

Caroline
Let me wipe away your tears, and give you life
Make you feel beautiful again
Caroline
Don't throw it all away
I'm here tonight, to take away your pain

Caroline
Let me wipe away your tears, and give you life
Make you feel beautiful again
Caroline
Don't throw it all away
I'm here tonight, to take away your pain

Caroline

Angie's here!

On Friday, Amy and I drove to Detroit Metro to pick up Angie! She got in at 6pm, and we got back to school around 8:30, despite the fact that we'd never driven it before :P We did get almost lost once; our directions said to turn onto a street that didn't actually happen to be where the directions took us, but we called Dane (Natalie's boyfriend, who lives in MI) and he told us we could easily get back. He was right! We dropped Amy off so she could go to coffeehouse, then went to walmart for food for the week. Once we had dropped that off, we went to coffeehouse ourselves. I love coffeehouse :-) Some of my favorite people on campus play and sing, like the three who call themselves Nickel Creek (Dunn Right). They, of course, play Nickel Creek and other folksy-bluegrass music, and very well.

The rest of the week, we've mostly been in the new student union. It's a good place to study-- I've finally discovered that the snack bar really is good for that, because of the booths- and to talk. Angie and I have read our Bibles and talked and watched YouTube vidoes up there. Yesterday she bought a sketch book and spent an artistic hour and a half with that while we watched the snow outside, but soon I had to go out in it for choir :P

The rest of the week, we'll probably do the same thing- maybe go see the arboretum, too, if it's not too cold this afternoon. It should be beautiful this time of year, all that snow.... :-)
We've been having a lot of fun, and it's so nice to get a piece of home in the middle of February! :-)

Furnace

My friend Carly is an amazing person. :-) She goes to a huge church in Colorado Springs, and while she took a year off after high school before coming here, she helped run a discipleship group called the Furnace. She started a branch off of that here last semester, and this semester I've joined- all of my best friends are in it :-) There are, I think, ten of us now, overseen by the college pastor from my Michigan church who lives and works right near campus.
We just started the Furnace this week, and I'm so excited about it! On Tuesdays Mary Beth, Natalie, Amy, a girl on my hall named Brita and I will have Bible study. On Wednesday nights we have Bible study, with a larger group, at Pastor Steve's house; and his wife Tanya cooks dinner for all of us! On Thursday nights we go to our Hillsdale Christian Fellowship bi-monthly "youth group" meeting. On Friday mornings we meet for prayer before class. And on Sunday afternoons after church we have accountability groups.
So, we do something almost every day of the week. It's been wonderful already, and will continue to be, as a constant reminder of what is most important in our lives- in my life. If I know that every week some of my best friends will be asking me if I've been purposeful about setting aside time with God, then I will be better about actually doing it. And I love having prayer before class, even though I have to be up the hill at 8:15 :-) I'm so excited about how God is working this semester, in my life and in my friends'. Amy needs prayer for learning how to have a relationship with God- she's been brought up in the church and knows about God, even truly believes God is most important in her life, but she hasn't read the Bible except for class assignments before, so I'm really excited about how she'll come to truly know God through His word if she will be willing to read it. I can't wait to see her grow as she realizes Who it is that makes her life worth living. :)
It's time to go read about cellular respiration and other fun things in my biology textbook, but I wanted to share about the Furnace and what God is doing here. I love you all dearly and am praying for you- more so now that I have a constant reminder to be in prayer :-) May God bless and keep you all this week.

A Weekend of Very French History

First, don't you just love the room we camp out in on weekends that involve mostly studying? It's just part of the lobby in Mauck, where Natalie and Amy live, but it's beautiful .

Then you have to just get a kick out of Wright's history book...

"Their suggestion is that the kings, despite their deplorable lack of backbone, were more to be pitied than censured. The real trouble makers, according to this theory, were the selfish beaurocrats of the parlements, whose narrow recalcitrance undermined the monarchy while it opened the way to abstract theorists and political fanatics."

"A few months later the last feeble barrier to their triumph was cleared away when Louis XVIII at last expired."

A very French version of history, no? This is for my History of France After 1815 class, which I love; this book gives me endless amusement while I study.

Desperation Band

I've treasured this song this week :-) My friend Carly made a mix cd of her favorite Desperation Band songs (they happen to be her church's worship leaders! =D) If you've never heard them, try going to itunes or something and listen to this, Anything, Amazed, Rescue, or Everlasting God. They are amazing. Carly made this for me over break, and it was so sweet of her- we just became friends last semester and only God knew how perfect her timing was with this happy cd!

I'll Be Okay

I will throw myself down at your feet
I will live out my life on my knees
You alone i run too
No one helps me like you

I'll be ok when I'm safe in your arms
And the thoughts of this world fade away
I'll be ok with you

I'll be ok when it's you by my side
And the tears of this life wipe away
I'll be ok with you
I'll be ok

I will lay down my pride for your grace
I will give anything for one look
One look at your face
You alone i run to
No one helps me like you

I'll be
I'll be
I'll be ok with you
I'll be
I'll be
I'll be ok

First Day of Class

My girls (minus Natalie)... good friends :-)

Classes started today. Wohoo! Actually, we were all feeling a little apprehensive this semster; usually I'm excited for them to start, but they're so different from my usual ones, and I didn't feel like jumping into homework :P But I think I will especially enjoy History of France After 1815 with my favorite history professor, and although Biology will be slow, full of evolution theory, and generally a good time to perfect my doodling skills, it won't be very hard. :) I have history at 9, an hour break, and bio at 11; today as I was walking out of history, I ran into my friend Vanessa. We just got to be friends last semester, but it's been so good already; she broke up with her "boy" about two months ago and has been sharing wonderful verses and hopes and struggles with me the whole time, sharing what she's learned. Today we talked, read verses we've really held on to lately, and prayed together in the break from 10-11. It was wonderful. :-) It's a precious thing to know that as unlike myself, as weak and dependent as I feel, God loves it because it means there is more room for Him. I want to allow Him to fill and change me, rather than going back to who I was and have been. I just love Him and know that He loves me so much more.
I worked today too, from 12:30-2:30. I like my job- I send off letters to kids interested in the 'Dale and drink coffee :-) All in all, a good schedule, and a day full of God's strength and joy. Much love to you all :-)

An Ending, and New Beginnings

Dearest women of my life,

It's the day before classes start and I'm ready to sleep, so this will be shorter than it could be, but I couldn't sleep just yet anyway so I'm going to tell you about the last day and a half.
Paul and I ended our relationship last night. It was one of the hardest things I've done, but we talked about it carefully and decided it was the right and best thing to do. Not because of us, there has never been a problem between us; but it wasn't the time for a relationship headed for marriage, and that is where we were headed. I admit I was good with that- I would have married him, and waited two years or however long we had to wait. But Paul is graduating in four months, going onto a job that he's just applying for now and doesn't know where he'll be, then going on to seminary when he can, and pastoring after that wherever he's sent. He's very much an all or nothing person and couldn't make all these decisions without realizing that he either had to planning a not-so-distant marriage and making choices accordingly, or not be in a relationship at all; and he told me he just isn't ready, emotionally and spiritually and mentally, for marriage and can't know when he will be, so he couldn't just ask me to wait and see. We decided that we couldn't make a commitment based on uncertainty and hopes that would be playing with both our hearts. Who knows; maybe we would both have been ready for marriage in two years; but he doesn't think he will be, and it would be an even more painful break later if we decided marriage wasn't in our future after all.
I wanted to say, "but there has to be a way... I'll wait for you..." but that would be unwise of us. Courtship has to lead to marriage or end, and we didn't know if we could head to marriage. Not now. I didn't want to end it... I didn't see it coming... but God prepared me over break, even though I didn't know it. Paul sent me an email saying we needed to talk and getting his thoughts down coherently for me to think about and discuss with him, and as soon as I read it, I felt God's overwhelming love and strength and deep devotion to me. I think I know better today than I did yesterday before all this what it means to trust and cling to my Savior, and what it means to have Him be most important to me, and for Him to love me. I understood the tangible, comforting sense of fierce love He feels for me better than I ever have. So even though it's been hard, it hasn't been unbearable or life-shattering. My girls have been SO good to me, and read me just the perfect verses and chapters. MB also went through a similar ending of a relationship this summer, and she is giving me hope. [Now she's in such a beautiful, right, forever relationship with her best friend!] So this letting go is sad and the sadness washes over me in waves at times, but comfort straight from my God soon reminds me that this was all for my good and part of His perfect plan. I wouldn't be the Michal I am now if it weren't for this relationship, which is to say I am so imperfect but I need to be changed before I'm ready for my future husband. This is part of becoming me, and I can see how much I've learned and been encouraged through Paul. He's been wonderful, so honorable and careful of my heart, and he wanted this to work as much as I did. He just knew he had to give me ALL of him if he was going to keep giving me any, and right now that all is focused on ministry and change and moving. I know he (we) did it out of care for each others' hearts and respect for each other.
This was going to be short.. oops ;) But I wanted you to know, and know that I'm sad but doing well. I'm so loved, and I know that this is such a small trial compared to the big and difficult things my dear people around me have gone through and are going through. I love you, aunties and cousin and Mamasita :-)

~Michal