I suppose that last post wants some explaining, doesn't it? I'm sorry it was so cryptic. I was in the middle of a lot of thinking and a lot of deciding what exactly to think.
I suggested last week that Paul and I hang out sometime before we graduate- an audacious move but not too forward considering that was the way we ended- "friends". Since then we haven't talked once for longer than five minutes, in public, about school and spring break, so it's been a bit different than I think he intended when he asked several times over if we could be friends; that's fine and understandable and healthy for us both, but it's time to talk a little. Be friends.
He thought maybe this past weekend would have been a good time to hang out. As it turns out, he remember that he's graduating in two weeks and has work to do... ha. Boys. So this weekend didn't work out. But suddenly the idea of seeing him, expecting him to ask what I've been thinking, and knowing I could say many things led to great confusion. Up until this week, I've been fairly content to trust that our relationship is over as far as I know, and I didn't let myself think beyond that except to know that if the Lord wants that to change, He can certainly make it happen. There is nothing in mine and Paul's relationship except timing that would prevent that.
But that is what led to all of the confusion this week. What if I shared the thoughts I've had on marriage the past three months, my thoughts on long (and long-distance) courting relationships, and even (*gasp*, I know:) shared my feelings? Let him know, "I know this isn't the time you want to be in a relationship, but you should know that I love you, and I'm still supporting you in your heart for ministry." Then what? Oh dear. I didn't know- can I say that? Is it wrong to say so now? It is being discontent with God's will for my life right now? Is it what I'm supposed to do, perhaps? I turned over all the possibilities in my head as I prayed and talked and thought...
After a good talk with my Daddy :), Mom, my girls, even my roommate (she was very encouraging and wise!) and lots of prayer, I was reminded that no matter what I do or say (or don't), I must do it depending on God to give me words and to work through those words. If I speak, God will work through what I say, for whatever purpose He desires; and if I feel I shouldn't, He will give me the trust and contentment I need to be still. No matter what the case is, He will still be in control; even if I blurt out things I shouldn't, or stay silent when Paul's secretly wishing I would fight against him for him, God's will is not changed. I am finally learning just now, I think, to find real contentment in my situation.
It means hoping, I've discovered- asking God for what I honestly want, and being content to have my desires changed to His. It's been a very good several days since all this has settled down. And point of interest? Paul told me yesterday that he's going to be going straight to school in the fall (he was going to work for a year or two, to save money for school) in Indiana (he was going to go to a seminary in California). [Dyer, Indiana is, by the way, three hours from here.] He seems a little baffled by the choice still; I think God is directing him there, because it's so different from what he'd planned. I'm excited for him to be at a good school, surrounded by godly men, having to trust God for the money he will need. He lives his life according to what he thinks is the best choice, the most logical, the most likely to succeed; now he will have to trust that God knows what is next. And so will I. There has been a lot of that in my life and in our family lately, but God is always working for the best.