Dearest women of my life,
It's the day before classes start and I'm ready to sleep, so this will be shorter than it could be, but I couldn't sleep just yet anyway so I'm going to tell you about the last day and a half.
Paul and I ended our relationship last night. It was one of the hardest things I've done, but we talked about it carefully and decided it was the right and best thing to do. Not because of us, there has never been a problem between us; but it wasn't the time for a relationship headed for marriage, and that is where we were headed. I admit I was good with that- I would have married him, and waited two years or however long we had to wait. But Paul is graduating in four months, going onto a job that he's just applying for now and doesn't know where he'll be, then going on to seminary when he can, and pastoring after that wherever he's sent. He's very much an all or nothing person and couldn't make all these decisions without realizing that he either had to planning a not-so-distant marriage and making choices accordingly, or not be in a relationship at all; and he told me he just isn't ready, emotionally and spiritually and mentally, for marriage and can't know when he will be, so he couldn't just ask me to wait and see. We decided that we couldn't make a commitment based on uncertainty and hopes that would be playing with both our hearts. Who knows; maybe we would both have been ready for marriage in two years; but he doesn't think he will be, and it would be an even more painful break later if we decided marriage wasn't in our future after all.
I wanted to say, "but there has to be a way... I'll wait for you..." but that would be unwise of us. Courtship has to lead to marriage or end, and we didn't know if we could head to marriage. Not now. I didn't want to end it... I didn't see it coming... but God prepared me over break, even though I didn't know it. Paul sent me an email saying we needed to talk and getting his thoughts down coherently for me to think about and discuss with him, and as soon as I read it, I felt God's overwhelming love and strength and deep devotion to me. I think I know better today than I did yesterday before all this what it means to trust and cling to my Savior, and what it means to have Him be most important to me, and for Him to love me. I understood the tangible, comforting sense of fierce love He feels for me better than I ever have. So even though it's been hard, it hasn't been unbearable or life-shattering. My girls have been SO good to me, and read me just the perfect verses and chapters. MB also went through a similar ending of a relationship this summer, and she is giving me hope. [Now she's in such a beautiful, right, forever relationship with her best friend!] So this letting go is sad and the sadness washes over me in waves at times, but comfort straight from my God soon reminds me that this was all for my good and part of His perfect plan. I wouldn't be the Michal I am now if it weren't for this relationship, which is to say I am so imperfect but I need to be changed before I'm ready for my future husband. This is part of becoming me, and I can see how much I've learned and been encouraged through Paul. He's been wonderful, so honorable and careful of my heart, and he wanted this to work as much as I did. He just knew he had to give me ALL of him if he was going to keep giving me any, and right now that all is focused on ministry and change and moving. I know he (we) did it out of care for each others' hearts and respect for each other.
This was going to be short.. oops ;) But I wanted you to know, and know that I'm sad but doing well. I'm so loved, and I know that this is such a small trial compared to the big and difficult things my dear people around me have gone through and are going through. I love you, aunties and cousin and Mamasita :-)
~Michal
